27 Hot Tweets About Babies You’ll Wish You Could Raise As Your Own

don't show me a cute vid of your baby playing basketball if you're gonna get mad when i call him on traveling. teach your kid the damn rules

‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) July 19, 2015

How come babies can scream and cry in public but when I do it I get escorted out of Old Country Buffet

‘ Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) November 13, 2015

(Sees Facebook picture of a crush from middle school holding her second newborn)
‘I guess it ‘s really over between us.”

‘ Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) August 30, 2015

this is offensive. 5 out of the top 6 google image results for saliva SHOULD NOT be babies. many others make saliva pic.twitter.com/E5LUrYuRKs

‘ Jon Millstein (@jmillstein) October 19, 2015

it's cool how early in life we teach babies to high five

‘ y 2 mamma mia tambien (@christinefriar) November 17, 2015

i'm just going to tell my kids how babies are actually made and not that there's a stork and that I had sex with it

‘ Jonathan Doyle (@inpoliteco) October 19, 2015

?My baby takes the morning train
he works with other babies and
he sells tiny baby cars
he wears a little suit?

‘ Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) October 25, 2015

why do baby's clothes need pockets? what do they carry around? baby wallets? fuck off

‘ Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) May 26, 2014

if babies had Facebooks all their statuses would be like “sleepin”, “tryna sleep”, “goin to dreamtown” lol smh

‘ jordan mendoza (@jordypizza) December 6, 2015

If you are a young woman who wants to intimidate, tell people how many months old you are when they ask your age like a mother of an infant

‘ Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) March 31, 2015

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he's probably lonely.

‘ Noodles (@Dawn_M_) December 8, 2015

the abyss would be a nice name for a baby

‘ yuna (@yunawinter) November 21, 2015

Read through the fine print in my health insurance and it turns out that doctors won't let you name a baby Linda unless she's born an aunt

‘ Shane (@Shanehasabeard) December 18, 2014

Sorry I gave you constructive criticism in regard to your baby ‘s name

‘ Dan Abramson (@danabramson) June 17, 2014

*slides note to baby* IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR NOSE AGAIN EAT ALL YOUR VEGETABLES AT DINNER TIME. WE ARE NOT FUCKING AROUND.

‘ the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) August 6, 2013

Dr: Would you like to hold ur baby?

[flashback to when someone handed me a burrito & it slipped from my hands to the floor]

Me: that's ok

‘ Marin Hubka (@marinhubka) September 14, 2015

yeah sure I'd love to hold your baby, just let me put down my iPhone with a really cracked screen

‘ Brandon Wardell (@BRANDONWARDELL) January 16, 2014

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

‘ Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) December 7, 2015

The hardest yoga position is the one where you spread your legs, push push push and a baby comes out

‘ Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) June 2, 2015

Sometimes I can't see myself having kids but then my baby brother sings Drunk in Love & I can't wait to have a little Beyonce fan of my own

‘ shakira (@jodecicry) February 8, 2015

Oh, this baby is so cute you could just eat him up? Do it. Eat the baby, you liar.

‘ Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) December 14, 2014