It’s the end of October and that means one thing:
Halloween the beginning of a series of decoy holidays meant to distract us from the spirit of Secularized Capitalist Christmas, the greatest holiday of the year. The piecemeal appeal of costumes and candy on Halloween; family and feasting at Thanksgiving; tradition and gifts on Kwanzaa and Hanukkah – can only come together in the giant overabundance of everything that is Modern Day Christmas.
Retail stores get it already – they’ve had their shelves stocked with Christmas shit for weeks. And now, finally, a new TV network gets it too. A channel called “True Christmas” is playing nothing but Christmas movies 24/7 through the end of the year. Enough crazy shit is happening in the US that this might be the thing that finally puts me over the edge and gets me to move my entire family to the UK. Don’t test me. I’ll do it.
The channel has announced three upcoming premieres – three wonderful ways to help us cut to the chase and start celebrating Christmas now while everyone else is distracted with BULLSHIT. Let’s take a look:
The March Sisters at Christmas (2012)
To keep the family home from being sold, 4 very modern March sisters tackle home improvement on their own. But their romantic entanglements involving the boy next door, an old flame and a new acquaintance become a distraction.
Starring: Julie Berman (Chicago Med), Kaitlin Doubleday (Nashville), Justin Bruening (Grey’s Anatomy), Charlie Hofheimer (Mad Men).
“March” has to be the most confusing and distracting last-name-of-all-the-main-characters to ever be put into the title of a Christmas movie, but this has too many “oh her”s and “oh that guy”s from too many “oh yeah that show”s to pass this up. Count me in.
A solid 5.8/10. Yes please!
Christmas Oranges (2012)
In this classic holiday tale, experience the journey of Rose an orphan who teaches the meaning of hope to those around her.
Starring: Edward Herrmann (Gilmore Girls), Nancy Stafford (Scandal), Bailee Michelle Johnson (127 Hours).
Again we’re focused on a decidedly non-Christmasy thing in the title of a Christmas movie and there’s literally nothing about oranges that makes me think “hm, yeah I’d like to watch something about that,” BUT you can’t lose sight of the one American Treasure staring you right in the face here, and that’s cherished actor, director, and writer, Edward Herrmann. I of course will be watching this twice, because it crosses over with my ongoing Edward Herrmann marathon that’s already taking place throughout the year.
A whopping are-you-kidding-me-for-a-christmas-TV-movie score of 6.7/10. Sign me up NOW.
Wish For Christmas (2016)
When a high school senior realizes she has to miss the town’s winter dance to attend church on Christmas Eve, she wishes away her parents faith bringing disastrous consequences to both her family and the community.
Starring: Lacey Chabert (Party Of Five), Paul Greene (When Calls The Heart), Andrea Brooks (Supergirl).
Not only does this feature a solid, classic Christmas title (finally), but it’s also essentially a new release. 2016? That was like yesterday. It’s not like anything happened in 2016 to drastically change much of what’s going on in the world around us, so this movie will definitely hold up as if it was just in theaters. Also, it looks like this is a cautionary tale to scare kids out of losing sight of what’s important on Christmas:
The Christmas Spirit their religious faith. Right. That… Also Bill Engvall is in this! What more could you possibly want than Bill Engvall illustrating the disastrous consequences of not wanting to go to church and have fun at a dance instead? HECK YES.
A respectable 5.5/10. Sure. Yes.
These are just a tiny taste of the holy-shit-who-knows-how-many movies they’ll need to fill in all this time between now and the end of the year. So stop wasting your valuable time with dumb stuff like Halloween and park yourself in front of a UK-based screen so you can get your daily AND nightly overdose of Christmas NOW. And also for the next TWO ENTIRE MONTHS. THIS IS IMPORTANT.